Weapons and Onesies
by dantesdarkqueen
Summary: Giftfic for AmazonTurk. K&K and Zack & Ak go shopping for their babies! But Kandi and Zack don't like the looks of this place... Takes place several months after "Grief, Hate, and Madness."


**Summary: **Giftfic for AmazonTurk. K&K and Zack and Ak go shopping for their babies! But Kandi and Zack don't like the looks of this place... Takes place several months after "Grief, Hate, and Madness."

**Disclaimer: **Do we have to do this again? Fine... Squeenix owns it all. Kandi is Amazon's. Akalara is mine. The AU is Mystic's. Most of the mentioned weapons belong to other commercial entities beside SE.

**Queen's Quornor: **Amazon sent in the 50th review for GHM, so she gets a oneshot. Since she is now a temporary invalid, I thought I'd post this to make her feel better, you know, brighten up her day a little (coming from a girl that hates sunlight... You better appreciate me burning my skin off for you, Amazon!). Besides, I've got plenty of time to kill before my oral presentation on video games today. And I want to get the visions of _Ai Cho Aniki _out of my head. That, and its sequels, are handsdown the WIERDEST games I have ever seen in my life!

Weapons and Onesies

"Ohhhh no! _Hell_ no!" Zack dug his heels in, refusing to step one inch closer to their destination.

"Don't make me go in there, Kuja! If I do, I'll hurl! And your spawn needs its nutrients!" Kandi made retching noises, eliciting eye-rolls from the pair insisting she and Zack enter the establishment down the street.

"Don't be such a baby, Zack!" Akalara fruitlessly tugged at her husband's hand, attempting to drag him closer. "It's just a damned store! I'm not asking you to go and fuck Dr. Robotnik or anything like that!"

"Would you prefer our son go naked and sleep on the carpet, little canary?" Because he will if we don't go in here." The Silver Wizard had better luck than the forest-haired Turk, pulling Kandi along despite her vehement resistance.

"I don't wanna, Kuja!" she whined. "I hate girly-whirly, cutsie-whootsie shit! And that store is as close to Girly Hell as I can imagine!"

Indeed, the store was eye-catching (some would say "eyesore"), designed to attract the attention of hormone-drunk pregnant females. Painted purple, the exterior bore a pair of enormous windows hung with mobiles and baby clothes, with selections of furniture and toys scattered beneath them, complete with pint-sized mannequins seated or laying therein. The gaudy, phosphorescent sign mounted above the door flashed pink and blue, labelling the establishment "Kiddie's Delight".

Yeah. _Exactly _the sort of place a SOLDIER First Class and a goth-loving Turk wanted to be seen in.

"What did I do, babe?" Zack flung his free hand at the garish building. "I don't know what I did, but surely I deserve a better punishment that _that!_"

"You got me pregnant, you moron!"

"I married you, didn't I?"

"Because you love me!" Akalara pulled at his arm again, but she might as well have tried to move the Shinra Building; Zack wasn't budging. "I'm two months away from delivery, and our kid needs more than diapers and that blanket your mom made!"

"I know the store looks hideous, but we can find the things we need here." Kuja tipped Kandi's head up, locking his gaze her with hers. "No spawn of mine will face this world naked, or live without appropriate furnishings."

"But it's _girly!_" the red-streaked woman protested, pulling back on her husband's arm.

"You suffered through my wedding, didn't you?" Akalara snapped irritably, still attempting to physically drag her own husband into the store. "You put up with a lavender, empire-waist dress; you can put up with buying things for your baby. You're a Turk, Kandi! Suck it up!" Furious cranberry eyes returned to Zack. "And you! A SOLDIER! Aren't you supposed to be braver than this?"

"I'd rather face the entire Shinra army alone than go in that store, Ak," the black-haired man stated flatly, narrowing his glowing violet eyes.

"Zack, if you - " The green-haired Turk was cut off mid-rant when Kuja grabbed her shoulder. She looked at him askance.

"Let's release these birds from their cages, for now," the Silver Wizard suggested, as exasperated as she. "They obviously do not wish to aid in our search for appropriate garments and furnishings. So let us set them free to fly as they will."

Akalara glared at her husband, crimson eyes promising an extended stay on the couch in his near future, then whirled around and stalked over to Kiddie's Delight with fists balled and back ramrod-straight. Kuja lingered a moment longer.

"Where shall we rendevouz, and when?"

"We'll meet you at the Midgar Bread Factory at 3, a'right? A'right." Zack allowed Kandi to drag him away as fast as she could go. "See you later!"

Kuja shook his head and joined Akalara in the doorway, noting the tears brimming in her cranberry eyes. "So they're really not coming?" she asked, looking down at the pavement with arms crossed under her breasts.

"We're meeting them at Midgar Bread Factory in a few hours," he confirmed. He waved his hand at the alley beside Kiddie's Delight. "Shall we?"

"Yeah." The emerald-haired Turk nodded, wiping furiously at her eyes. "Lead on."

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"Oh shit! Look at this, Zack!" Kandi leaned closer to the glass display case, brown eyes wide on the ornate gunblade inside. "If I was going to learn to use a sword, this is what I'd have in mind!"

Zack hurried over to join her. "I've heard of that sword. It's named Hyperion. Used to belong to Seifer Almasy, Squall's biggest rival in Division Eight." He pointed at another display case nearby. "Over there is the Bride's Blade, a genuine Hattori Hanzo katana from Division One."

"Bride's Blade?" Kandi tore her attention from the Hyperion to examine the katana in question. "I've never heard of it."

"Classic story of vengeance. This woman, the Bride, was almost killed by a group of assassins she once belonged to, including her lover, the leader. She was pregnant with his baby at the time, although she was marrying another man and trying to live a normal civillian life, and in revenge for the kid and the entire wedding party, she hunted down and killed all of her former associates." Zack frowned, thinking. "I think she left one alive. One version of the story has her blinding one of the other assassins. That sword," he continued, nodding towards the katana, "was the last katana made by Hattori Hanzo, Japan's legendary swordsmith. It was the pinnacle of his craft, the finest blade he ever forged."

"Wow..." Kandi examined the sword a moment longer, then turned away. "I really wish these were for sale. Some of these weapons are amazing."

"I'd just like to know where they got some of these." The black-haired man looked at a group of four display cases, which contained, respectively, two katanas, a pair of nunchuks, a pair of sais, and a bo staff. "I mean, those belonged to Guardians, for Odin's sake. What are they doing in the exhibit room of a weapons shop? What happened to their owners? Turtles or not, I hardly think that ninjas would let their weapons go so easily."

"What about that one?" Kandi nodded to an engraved silver .44 Magnum held upright behind glass. "Or that?" This time a red-and-black Keyblade was indicated. "A lot of these are damn famous weapons, with histories and great legacies. Why are they sitting in here rather than doing what they were made to do, fighting and defending others?"

Zack shrugged, now looking at an enormous warhammer engraved with mystical runes. "It's pretty sad, when you think about it. They're just collecting dust, when they've had such important parts in events on their homeworlds. Makes you wonder if our weapons will end up in a display case like this someday, as a part of somebody's collection."

"I can't see the Buster Sword or Masamune sitting in a museum somewhere." The red-streaked woman sighed, then laid one hand atop her bulging abdomen with a grin. "Baby's kicking. Wanna feel?"

"Sure!" Zack crossed the room to press one hand against his friend's belly, and his lips curved when he felt the soft impacts against his palm. "Really energetic kid, isn't he?"

"Yep. He really likes using me as his personal punching bag." The Turk smiled at him, then began leading him out of the exhibit room into the shop proper. "Does your kid kick a lot?"

"Yeah. Ak's always telling me that the baby's kicking. But our kid likes to play fake-out; usually she'll tell me it's kicking, then when I feel it there's nothing. It'll start up again a minute later, she'll call me over, and it'll stop right before I get there. The only times I've ever felt our baby kick have been when she's laying back against me and I've got my arms around her." Zack went over to a rack of oils and weapon polishes, picking up his usual brands without glancing at the others. "Since it's stopped making Mommy miserable, our baby seems to have turned its attention to making Daddy crazy."

Kandi gave him a questioning look. "You haven't asked Zexion what you're having?"

Wild black spikes swished. "We specifically asked him to use the old black-and-white ultrasound and not to tell us what the baby's sex is. We want to be surprised." Zack went to the counter and paid for the oil and polish, looking at a selection of greatswords mounted behind the cashier. "He still uses the 3D ultrasound, just to check on the baby's health, but we make him turn the moniter so we can't see it."

Kandi chuckled, brown eyes examining the uzis, shotguns, and semi-autos behind the counter. "Well, what do you think the baby's going to be? Kuja and I know we're having a boy."

Zack snorted and accepted his bag from the cashier. "That's what I'm betting on. Zack Jr. Ak's dead-certain that it's a girl, though. She and I have about 500 gil riding on the baby's sex."

The red-streaked Turk laughed and slung her arm around her friend's shoulders, walking with him out of the store. "One way or another, one of you is going to be wrong, since Ak obviously isn't having twins. Guess you'll find out in about eight weeks, neh?"

"Yeah." Zack glanced at his watch. "It's almost three. Wanna just go to the Factory now?"

"The Factory has food. Does that answer your question?" she replied, already pulling him down the street.

Midgar Bread Factory was only a block away from the weapons shop, and the establishment wasn't too busy when the pair walked in. They found a table easily, settling in to wait for Akalara and Kuja. Kandi cast a longing look at the desserts on display behind the counter, but Zack shook his head with a wide smile.

"We should probably wait for our spouses, Kandi."

"But I'm hungry, Zacky!" she mock-wailed, eyes huge and lower lip quivering.

"You're always hungry," he playfully retorted, flicking her lip. He snatched his finger away when she snapped at it. "I'm not food!"

"Don't tease me when I'm starving!" she advised, grinning ferally.

Zack rolled his eyes, then brightened when Kuja and Akalara walked in, carrying a multitude of pink and blue bags. "Hey," he greeted. "Good shopping?"

"Very good," Kuja replied, shucking merchandise from his arms. Akalara grunted, setting her burdens down beside their table. She didn't even look at her husband. "Who's hungry?"

"Me me me!" Kandi called, waving her hand madly.

Kuja bent to kiss her smiling lips. "What do you want, little canary?"

The red-streaked woman began rattling off the dishes chosen to satisfy her eternal hunger, and while Zack found the extensive list amusing, he was more concerned with his wife's refusal to acknowledge him. "Ak?"

"Yes, Zack?" she replied, her voice neutral.

The SOLDIER hesitated, unsure of what to say. "I... Wanna split a pizza?" he asked, visibly deflating. Akalara nodded shortly, and he stood up without further word, following Kuja up to the counter. Kandi looked at her fellow Turk as their husbands left the table.

"You okay?" she asked.

The green-haired woman shrugged. "It's just... You two should have been with us. It's not fair that I had to pick out baby things with your husband. I didn't want to do that by myself. I wanted Zack there with me."

"Ak, we don't like stores like that. I mean, I'd buy my kid's stuff at Zpencer's or Burnin' Subject if I could. But that store? Zack and I don't belong in girly joints like that, and neither do you and Kuja," Kandi said, playing with a sugar packet.

"Where else are we supposed to get cribs, high chairs, bassinets, and booties? Grandmart doesn't carry everything we need. Just most of it, and only in generic styles and colors." Akalara arched her back and rubbed her belly, her fingers lingering over the scar hidden beneath her dress. "Besides, you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, Kandi."

The red-streaked Turk pointed to the dress. "You're coming undone," she said in a dry tone.

Akalara scowled and quickly refastened the errant button. She had become very taken with that particular maternity dress, a purple and white sleeveless garment that completely buttoned up the front. Due to the chill outside, she had added a denim jacket and low suede boots.

Kandi, on the other hand, was wearing black maternity jeans and a loose t-shirt bearing the cover art for one of Nickelback's cds. Her green-haired friend had grown to prefer feminine garments over the last few months, but Kuja's wife remained the kickass goth she always was. She nodded at the dress. "That looks more like a nightgown than a sundress, Green Girl."

"Laugh all you want. It's really comfortable, and easy to take off." She shot a glare at Zack's back. "Not that that's so important for the next week or two."

"Don't be so mean, Ak. You'll get constipated." Kandi grinned, seeing Kuja approaching with a stacked tray. "Guess it's all right, though. I mean, your nausea's gone, right? You can eat again!"

Kuja slid into his chair and began doling out the food, most of which wound up in front of his wife. "A blessing I am certain she enjoys."

Akalara didn't reply. Instead, she directed her gaze back to the table, paying no heed to her own husband when he returned with a glass of 6-Up and a strawberry smoothie. The smoothie was laid in front of Akalara, and Zack sank into the chair beside her. "Pizza'll be out in ten minutes, babe. I thought you might like this in the meantime."

Kandi's sharp brown eyes watched her friends as she bit into her sandwich, noticing how the forest-haired woman didn't touch the frozen treat. Extremely uncharacteristic behavior; Akalara loved the smoothies here, and strawberry was her favorite flavor. She must be even angrier than she originally thought.

Or rather, hurt. The red-streaked Turk saw how her counterpart's eyes were looking glassier than usual, as though she were biting back tears. Zack wasn't ignorant to this, either, but he seemed at a loss as to how to approach the subject.

"So what'd you guys get?" she inquired through a mouthful of sandwich. Anything to make her friends happy.

Kuja gave her a questioning look, but reached down and began rooting through the bags. Akalara pulled one of the floppier bags into her lap, still looking at the table. "I believe you'll find our selections suitable, little canary. You as well, Zack." The Silver Wizard pulled out a catalog and laid it where they all could see it. Kandi sighed, but propped her head up on one hand and leaned closer to her husband. Zack glanced at Akalara guiltily, and likewise leaned in.

"This is the furniture set I chose for our son." Kuja flipped the glossy pages, too quickly for either Zack or Kandi to see the content, and stopped abruptly. One page held the basic, generic baby furniture, brown wood and pink lining. Booooring.

The opposite page, however, displayed a bassinet, crib, changing table, and high chair made from silvery pearlwood. Unlike the thick, blocky style of the other set, these were thin and spindly, coiling round and round to form the structures, carved vines of gleaming wood. They resembled works of art more than baby furniture.

Wide-eyed, Kandi tapped the pictured crib. "You picked that? I mean, they look cool and all, but are they safe?" she gasped.

"Most assuredly," Kuja reassured, smiling. "The design is elven; they've used it for thousands of years without mishap. And pearlwood is among the strongest woods known in any of the worlds, as well as coveted for the latent magic held within each tree. Our son will be safe in this bassinet and crib, and his magic will slowly become focused by the wood. That way, you won't have to worry about random objects flying around the room whenever you go to check on him."

Kandi's face split into a happy smile, and her hand found his. "Awesome! I think they look kickass, Kuja."

Her husband turned his head to press a kiss to her lips. "I know. I had a feeling you'd like them." He passed the catalog to Akalara. "Show them what you picked."

The green-haired Turk flipped the page and pointed to a set of ebony furniture sprinkled with molten silver paint, giving them the appearance of the clear night sky made solid. A swirling galaxy of stars had been air-brushed on the headboard of the crib, as well as the back of the rocking chair included with the set. Zack and Kandi stared.

"Wow."

"That ugly store had _this?_"

"Among other things." Kuja lifted one of the bags from the floor, extracting a box to reveal a mobile. Instead of the expected furry animals in cute little outfits, however, this one was was hung with musical notes and guitars. "When you wind it up, it plays an instrumental version of "Lithium" by Evanescence. Really soft, no drums or electric guitars. Just the melody."

"The one I bought plays the slow part of Nightwish's "Fantasmic," also in muted instrumental." Akalara smirked, seeing the open jaws of her husband and friend. "I told you not to judge a book by its cover."

"Kiddie's Delight is under new ownership," Kuja explained, putting the mobile away. "It was bought out by Burnin' Subject, just last month. They have the inventory in already, but the exterior of the store has yet to be changed. Until it is, access to the store is gained through a door in the alley next to it. The store now caters to goths, rockers, and otaku in the family way."

"Take a look at these onesies!" Akalara opened the bag in her lap and pulled out a selection of onesies. Three were black and read, respectively, 'Who you callin' _cute?_', 'You say 'brat' like it's a bad thing', and 'Born to drive Mommy crazy!'. The fourth was white and read 'My daddy can kick your daddy's ass'. The fifth was purple, with the SOLDIER emblem on it. "I've got more, in different sizes with different designs. Not to mention nighties and coats and hats. Our baby will not go naked."

"Jeez, Ak! Why didn't you tell us there was cool shit in there?" Kandi exclaimed, looking at the white onesie.

"Because you obviously weren't interested." Akalara folded the tiny outfits and put them away as the pizza Zack ordered was brought out.

"You both were rather childish about going into the store," Kuja pointed out, picked up his spoon and dipping into his soup.

"That's because I didn't know what was in there!" Kandi leaned against her husband's shoulder, batting her eyes at him. "Can we go shopping, Kuja? Pleeeeaaase?"

The Silver Wizard smiled fondly at her, and kissed her forehead. "After lunch, Love."

Seeing the other couple preoccupied, Zack turned in his chair to face his wife. "I'm sorry, Ak," he said quietly. "I was an asshole, wasn't I?"

She nodded, staring at the pizza between them. "I really wanted to pick out baby things with you, Zack. Doing it with my best friend's husband isn't what I had imagined."

Violet eyes lowered in shame. "I'm sorry, babe. I'm an insensitive, selfish jerk and I didn't think. Can you forgive me?"

He waited for her reply, listening to Kandi scarfing down her food and Kuja laughingly reminding her that the store wasn't going anywhere, to which the red-streaked woman retorted that she wanted to see what other cool shit was in there. At last, the SOLDIER felt a warm, slender hand cover his own. He looked up to meet deep cranberry orbs, empty of anger or hurt.

"Just don't do it again."

Zack grinned, watching her free hand reach for the untouched smoothie. "No problem, babe. I wanna go shopping, too."


End file.
